Yay! It's been a long week and I'm finally ready for some twitter pitchin. Anyone whose done one before knows there's always that one word that puts you 4 characters over, well I've found a version that works and I'm hoping for some great critiques from blog visitors.
So what is a Twitter Pitch?
It's basically a log line of what your book is about, but limited to 140 Characters (Spaces Included)
What is a Long Line?
It's a movie term gaining ground in the literary world. When you meet a person and they ask you "What's your story about?" the log line is what you'll give them.
You might have heard someone describe a film as "It's 300 meets Troy, but with and all girl cast."
Warning: This is a bad example of a Log Line and Pitch. What you want to accomplish in your log line or twitter pitch is:
1. What your story is about (Boiling it down to the bare bones and main subject)
2. Avoid Generalizations (Key points give the mind something to ponder)
3.Make sure it matches up (I don't know how other writers feel about this, but I am very big on tone. I like to know that I'm not over selling or pitching something that isn't the story I wrote)
So with all that being said here's what I've got so far:
A prescription dependent cheerleader’s meds have been masking signs that she isn’t entirely human and the truth reveals a dangerous enemy.
REVISION #3 & 4
(Because "the master pitcher" told me too)
It’s not until Deyan’s eyes turn red that she learns she’s an Iyles, a hunted species. Now she needs answers before the hunters take her to.
It’s not until Deyan’s eyes turn red that she learns she’s an Iyles, a hunted species, and that there might be a hunter among her friends.
Please leave a comment, and if you can, give some specifics. Anyone can type "I like it" but a critique should tell you why. If you don't like it, what would you change?
For more Twitter Pitches please check out Shelley Watters blog:
P.S. Thanks Shelley for putting on such an amazing blog contest :o)
He TR! Good to see you around! It's me from Writer's Digest BTW. Anyway... Realy, the ONLy confusing part was the prescription-dependent-cheerleader because it was really long and I had to re-read it. What if you put...An addicted cheerleader's meds??? In a query I am sure it would make more sense LOL
ReplyDeleteOh, and no deed for a comma before the and (dependent clause) : )
You have a really strong beginning and I am super intrigued by meds covering one's real identity! So huge props on that part. What I really wish I knew was the conflict you elude to after the coma. There's quite a few characters left at that point so "and the truth reveals a dangerous enemy" can go from vague to something that matches the intrigue of the first part! Wish I knew the danger; I'd make more suggestions. :D
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing. I'd love to know more about who this dangerous enemy is, but the premise is great.
ReplyDeleteI also read through your conference pitch entries. How awesome that you got 5 for 5! I really hope those work out for you! <3
Thanks for the comments ladies. you're giving me some great points for revisions
ReplyDeleteWow! I love the meds masking the truth part! I need more about the conflict. I can think of lots of ways that finding out someone isn't "entirely human" could be dangerous, but which way does your story go?
ReplyDeleteSo which is more important, her life or her reputation? ;)
ReplyDeleteI know that identifying her as a cheerleader is a hook for some people -- for me, it's an anti-hook. I'd be better grabbed by calling her by name.
I really hate to be confusing, but I like the first one better. I don't know why; something about it just resonated with me.
ReplyDeletebethfred.
The revision def flows better! Looks good.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteAndrew,
ReplyDeleteNo spoiling the secrets for everyone else, but thank for the tips
good flow, good hook. i was wondering though if she is taking meds for a problem is it really a hidden disorder? couldn't it read, "a cheerleader discovers stopping her meds puts her humanity in doubt" or something a little more playful?
ReplyDeletegood luck and keep on writing!
douglas esper
Thank's Douglas I like that example.
ReplyDelete>It’s not until Deyan’s eyes turn red that she learns she’s an Iyles, a hunted species, and that there might be a hunter among her friends.
ReplyDeleteThou shalt kill all adverbs with prejudice!
When Deyan’s eyes turn red she learns she’s an Iyles, a hunted species, and a hunter roams among her friends, but her meds stifle her power.
I like the last one the best and one step further...I like Andrew's. Good luck with the contest.
ReplyDeleteI love the premise! My favorite is the first one and I like the name in place of "cheerleader" idea.
ReplyDeleteThe idea of prescription meds masking her humanity, is awesome. Stick with it. Personally, I like cheerleader, it gives me an idea of who she is.
ReplyDeleteI really like what Andrew did. I'd go along with something like that or end with "and finds hunter among her trusted friends" Over all, it's a strong hook!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I like the first one. The prescription dependent cheerleader tells us she's in high school, and "not entirely human" is great. I'm wondering if you can combine the first sentence of the first one and the last sentence of the 2nd or 3rd.
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely intrigued. Nice job!
That first one was quite vague and didn't really give concrete plot or tension.
ReplyDeleteI'd go with something like:
"Deyan has taken prescriptions for over 10 years to hide the signs that she’s an Iyles, a hunted species; signs that a Hunter is looking for"
140 exactly. :P
I like Andrew's take on it. I get a clear idea of the story. The premise if very intriguing. I'm thinking something like this --->
ReplyDeleteWhen the meds that hide Deyan's true identity wear off, she discovers she's a hunted species and a hunter roams among her classmates.
You have a lot of great suggestions here to work with. I hope this helps and good luck! :D
It's good, but I think having "hunter" so close to "hunted" sounds a bit redundant. Maybe it would sound better if the second part of the sentence was something like "and someone close to her may actually be hunting her." Just a thought. Sounds like a great story!
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've got a great story. Your pitch is great, I like the third one. Just a little more tweaking and it will be perfect!
ReplyDeleteSounds like fun, I'll have to give that a go.
ReplyDeleteWagging Tales - Blog for Writers
I applaud all you pitchers. It isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteMy take: Deyan wants to be a typical teenager, but her meds were masking something—she’s an Iyle, a hunted species. And a friend is out on the hunt.
This is hard. I liked the cheerleader part (shows she's teenager-y) and the eyes turning red. I took a pitch workshop last summer and the MC's wants and obstacles need to be apparent. That workshop helped me a lot.