tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post7062447549886985660..comments2023-05-01T09:08:57.674-04:00Comments on My Blossoming Mind: My Blossoming QueryAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08308377685268748595noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-85265261044673029842011-04-20T22:24:44.040-04:002011-04-20T22:24:44.040-04:00Hm. I have a lot of questions here; Mostly I feel ...Hm. I have a lot of questions here; Mostly I feel like you're just jumping in with a lot of information that you might be assuming your reader already knows. What is a lyles? What is she taking meds for in the first place? How is the gossip important in the larger scheme of things? And how can she be a cheerleader if she's always wearing gloves? My advice would be to try to read this with clear eyes, pretending you don't have any other information.<br /><br />Ack. Hope that helps.Jordynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07544006301357995240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-77278373916935796362011-04-20T15:58:32.150-04:002011-04-20T15:58:32.150-04:00Just a couple of things:
I have no idea why her...Just a couple of things: <br /><br />I have no idea why her gloves are saving her from being an outcast? (My mental image at that stage is that she has super-cool Michael Jackson sparkly gloves that everyone thinks are cool?). Wouldn't that be contact lenses, given that her only affliction in the query at that point is red-eye? :) <br /><br />In that second para, you have a semi-colon that should, perhaps, be an em dash as the two parts of the sentence cannot stand alone as they are, and the latter part doesn't explain the former part. <br /><br />You might want to break that second para into more manageable pieces.. I can see three natural breaks that might make it easier on the eye, and easier to read.<br /><br />I'm not sure what scars she has that are secret? Also the last 'meds' doesn't need a possessive apostrophy.<br /><br />Just my 2c... free advice is worth what you pay for it ;-)<br /><br />Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-75154233483592528792011-04-19T23:27:57.203-04:002011-04-19T23:27:57.203-04:00Thanks Claire. I like that idea of cutting the las...Thanks Claire. I like that idea of cutting the last para. I like hunter waiting part way more. <br /><br />Yes i purposely left out the personalized part of the letter.<br /><br />Thanks againAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08308377685268748595noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-20829853589750833612011-04-19T21:01:37.693-04:002011-04-19T21:01:37.693-04:00Actually, I'm on the opposite side from Willia...Actually, I'm on the opposite side from William. Thought it was long. Queries aren't supposed to tell the whole story- just pique interest. <br /><br />I'd leave off the last summary paragraph, especially that bit about "may be too late" since it's cliche and I don't really think it adds anything. "The hunter waits" is a much more suspenseful point to go out on. <br /><br />I'd rephrase "the only thing". The gloves are not the only thing, since her meds are also making normal life possible. <br /><br />I don't know if this only the summary bit, but there doesn't seem to be the personalised paragraph. It can go at the beginning or end, but I prefer at the end. Just a bit about yourself and why you chose the agent.Claire Dawnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14354840714847021685noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-89160605414239210942011-04-19T19:12:59.250-04:002011-04-19T19:12:59.250-04:00Awesome comments. I've done a little tweaking ...Awesome comments. I've done a little tweaking as a result. <br /><br />Please keep um coming :o)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08308377685268748595noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-90749250849611960322011-04-19T18:44:40.815-04:002011-04-19T18:44:40.815-04:00I know I've already had my turn at the query ;...I know I've already had my turn at the query ;) but reading this version, I do wonder if red eyes are the only thing different about these people. And if so, I don't see why anyone would hunt them. <br /><br />I like this sentence in particular: "While she struggles with the possibility of being with him and keeping her scars secret, a hunter among her friends waits for a sign that she’s who they’re looking for." For me, that really lets me know what's at stake if she falls for him. <br /><br />Good job!Bethany C Morrowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12680443616002300791noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-48586861864889344652011-04-19T18:34:47.473-04:002011-04-19T18:34:47.473-04:00It seems a bit short. I've often heard that qu...It seems a bit short. I've often heard that queries should be longer, but it comes across as an intriguing premise.William Kendallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00331324250821836822noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9163671699050352466.post-10831146227234681012011-04-19T18:33:22.219-04:002011-04-19T18:33:22.219-04:00'an lyles' how do I pronounce that? Why is...'an lyles' how do I pronounce that? Why is it 'an'? Confusing.<br /><br />Why are her gloves the only thing keeping her etc.? What gloves? You're jumping in like we already know this stuff. Why would gossip affect her? How can she be a cheerleader if she's in a druug haze?<br /><br />Come across like a lot of disparate, seemingly unrelated info.<br /><br />What is she hiding by being with the campus elite?<br /><br />I get the general idea, but not the specifics of what she's worried about (not her powers since she isn't aware of them) and exactly what being a lyles entails or why anyone would want to hunt her kind. All stuff I feel I would need to know from the pitch.<br /><br />hope that helps.<br /><br />regards<br />mood<br /><a href="http://moodywriting.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">Moody Writing</a>mooderinohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01523337588830695638noreply@blogger.com